one life to live.

I am officially turning over a new leaf in my life.

The past three months have been very terrible. It all started with getting laid off from work without notice. I cannot find the right words to describe how it felt. Unjust, cruel, unfair, to say the least. My patience, faith, strength, grace, and everything positive have been tested severely and I'm glad I have come out of it alive. I wouldn't have made it without the help and support of my family and friends, but most of all, without the grace and faithfulness of the One Above.

I am just very thankful that the worse, for this year at least, is finally over. I don't want to become complacent, I know that the tests and trials wouldn't really end, but at least I know that whatever happens, there's someone I can hold on to. And that person is, hmm, me. It always starts with me.

As I'm turning over a new leaf, I guess it's about time for me to value myself more than I ever did in my life.

I have doubted and second-guessed myself so much. I have always been the pessimistic, cynic, and pensive one. I am afraid of failure, so I don't really try to go for the things I want. I am afraid of disappointment, so I try not to expect a lot from people. I am afraid of rejection, so I try to keep my thoughts to myself.

I am afraid. I fear a lot of things.

Maybe it's high time that I go out of my comfort zone and just let myself go. After all, I only have one life to live, so what do I have to lose?

And as one of my favorite Rent songs goes:

Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today
There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today.

Exactly what this blog is all about. :)

[sob] love letter.

Hey you.

I am in pain. So great I can't even find a word to describe it. I'm trying to search my heart what's causing this pain but there's just nothing that could justify it. I guess it's my mind again. Maybe, that's what you always tell me. I try not to think about anymore. My mind and heart are completely disconnected from each other, I try to busy myself with other things but my heart... It's just there. I can't ignore the fact that it's still in pain. Hurting. The pain gets worse at times, it's as if I can already feel its intensity on my skin. It's so real I can feel the physical pain. And that's when I notice that I've never really stopped crying. The tears are just tucked away, but they're lurking in the shadows. Tell me that you love me, and they're bound to fall. No, I am not complaining. I am simply letting you know that right now, I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I am not stable, thus the mood swings. I am not okay. I am far from being okay. I would no longer ask you for patience or understanding. All I need you to do is hold my hand. Wait for me. And stay with me. I cannot promise you good days all the time. There will always be days like these - emotional breakdowns here and there, but I do know that there are also days when the sun comes out and I hope that you'll be there through it all.

I love you, always.

fleeting.

The last few weeks have been crazy for me. I just started working again after three months. I am still adjusting to the night shift schedule, the new people, company culture... and a whole lot of things.

The biggest issue would probably be trying to fit in normally. I don't have any issues about going back to square one, back to the bottom of the corporate ladder. It's fine, that's less responsibilities for me at almost the same pay. Hah.

You see, we're still working together. In the same class. As trainees. And I just can't act normally around him. He tells me that he's acting normal but I know he's not. It's just different. I hate it.

There have been times that I've doubted this decision but it's too late and I'm not one who gives up. I don't like quitting. I am not a quitter. Maybe all I'm looking for is an assurance that this is worth it.

getting back to it.

It has been a year since I last blogged. I have been pushing myself to start writing again but never really started on anything... Until today.

It took me hours to think of a name that would best describe what I wanted my blog to be. I have probably thought of more than a dozen but they're all taken. Then I skimmed through the lyrics of one of my favorite songs, No Day but Today, from one of the best plays this generation has probably seen - Rent.

The song starts with the line -

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn.

This blog would be just that - a daliy (hopefully) chronicle of my life. See, my life is one crazy rollercoaster. I think too much and I let these thoughts get the better of me. I try to psychoanalyze but it doesn't get me anywhere. With this blog, I hope to understand myself better..

Anyway, this is getting too mushy.

Just something to get the ball rolling.

Here's me welcoming my alter ego back to where it should be. ;)