The Saddest Goodbye [part 3]

[... a continuation.]

I never knew he was sick. He lived an active lifestyle, both in a good and bad way.

He played a few sports but also drank alcohol and smoked excessively. He quit smoking sometime in 2011, I think.

As I have mentioned in my previous post, we rarely talked after our "non-relationship." But last year, 2012, we did communicate more than we did in the past 2 years.

In the recent months, he would send me a text message out of the blue just to ask how I was doing. If I was feeling frustrated with work, I also bug him just to get distracted.

In October, we communicated more than usual. He wanted to see me to catch up. It never happened, I was either busy with work or I already had previous plans. When I'm free, he was the one who had other commitments.

Then we finally found a date we agreed on - November 4 but we were also planning to meet on October 28.

That never came to be... On Saturday, October 27th, he told me had to run some errands for his Dad. I didn't mind, I was already used to that. We always had issues with "planned dates" when we were still going out.

That Sunday, I sent him a message telling him that "Some things never changed." I never got a reply, and I didn't bother.

On Monday morning, as I was going through my morning chores, he sent me a message saying sorry for flaking out on me. He said he was in the hospital. I got a little worried and asked if he was okay. I never got any reply.

As it turned out, that was his last message. I never found out why he was in the hospital because as fate would have it, the other messages I sent to him that day never got sent.

That week, I found myself restless and bothered. I didn't really know why, but on October 31, I felt the need to send him an email, which turned out to be my farewell letter to him. I didn't know then, but maybe it was the universe's way of telling me to say goodbye before it's too late. I don't know if he ever got to read it, but I'll include it in this series, for posterity's sake.

On the morning of November 3, in between watching re-runs of The Voice and checking FB/Twitter posts, a FB status message stood out. A friend posted "RIP, [first name + "nickname" + last name]..."

I was beyond shocked when I read that... I couldn't believe it, how can that be happening? We were just texting a week before.

I checked his FB wall and it was flooded with posts of condolences.
I never knew what happened. I neither went to his wake nor the funeral. All I know was that he was in the Philippine Heart Center, confined in the ICU for a couple of days. They said he died of internal bleeding and cardiac arrest.

Until today, I still can’t come to grips with what happened. For the most part of November and December, I felt as if my heart was broken every single day. It's worse than a break up.

I never got to say goodbye, say my thank you's and make peace with him.

This is why I am writing about him again... to finally say goodbye and close this chapter of my life.

From Google.

The only truly painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained.

True that.

So Long, Sweet Summer [part 2]

[… a continuation.]

Whatever we had ended 3 years ago... but we still remained to be friends. We rarely kept in touch, but when we do find time to catch up via text, Skype, FB or even email, it was like nothing changed.

In the 3-4 years that we went out, we never had big fights. I couldn’t even remember a time when we had a [serious] argument. Sure, we’ve had our share of word wars, but those were mostly for the sake of discussion.

I loved talking to him, I never felt bored during our many conversations. It was always fun, entertaining, witty and sometimes intelligent... I always attributed that to the fact that we both came from the same school, I'm from UP Diliman while he's from UP LB then cross-enrolled to Diliman.

Come to think of it, he's the only guy I dated who graduated from UP. Maybe that's why he always stood out.

He's the very first person who encouraged me to become a trainer. He believed I had what it takes to become one. He even took the risk in offering me a post in one of the companies he helped put up. I accepted his offer, but only for one project. When he finally decided to get me full-time, I said no.

I always rejected him. He tried to "propose" commitment at least twice... and I always begged off. I was scared to take the risks. That was probably the only thing missing in the equation.

Our so-called non-relationship ended because I suddenly had a boyfriend... I told him about it on Christmas Day of 2008, of all days. How evil of me, right?

I knew I hurt him big time when he found out... How can I be in a relationship when just a few weeks ago before that we were coming up with our Christmas wish lists?

I also don't know how it came to be. I wanted to whack my head when I was reading through my old Multiply posts.

Looking back, I wish I never went into that relationship. It was a good 2 years wasted... But that's for another time.

As for j... It was good while it lasted... No, it was great.  Even as a friend, he's always someone I can run to when I want to rant. He always had something good to say. He always had a way in making me feel better. He always listened without judging.

He was keen on details. During one of our SMS exchanges late last year, he reminded me of one of our past conversations. It had something to do with my aspirations and dreams 6 years ago. I could barely remember having that kind of talk with him, but he did. And he told me he remembered everything.

I wanted to tear up when I read his message. I never knew he valued our conversations enough for him remember, even 6 years after.

How I wish I have saved our last few conversations on Skype and through texts cos these are the only ways I can preserve what we had.

I can no longer bring those back. I would no longer have a constant person to turn to for anything.

On November 3rd, I lost him to death – I lost him forever.

Image from Google


In writing, I forget. [part 1]

This is for the one who got away... for the one who could've been the one, but never was.

He went by a lot of names on my phonebook. It used to be his first name + last name and then we started going out. He became "...", "zzz" and for the longest time, "j."

Yes, just j. In small letters.

I met him in April of 2006. He was my trainer and I was his trainee.

We didn't have any close personal encounter during training... He went to some of our wave's countless inuman sessions after work. But that was all.

He listened to some of my calls during A-Bay, but we never had any written coachings - he always told me to take it as a "coaching opportunity."
That was all. I went AWOL after a few months and then he sent me a message asking if I was okay and wondering why I went missing.

I went back to school and my TM couldn't give me a nice schedule as he promised.

We went out a few days after that first non-work related text.

I didn't know that was the first of many which spanned 6 years.

Wow, more than half a decade. And we weren't even together.

We were never together... although we could've been, I always rejected him.

When we started out, I told him I didn't want commitment, no attachments, no complications.

Of course, that never came to be, because I fell for him. I guess he did for me, too.

Why am I suddenly writing about him?

Because I have to. Everytime I got so frustrated about our situation, I write about it - on my planner, in paper, even on the web. My Livejournal and Multiply posts circa 2006-2008 were mostly about him. They were mostly angst-ridden and unfair to him.

This time, for the last time, will be about the good stuff. I am no longer the angsty 20-something years ago. But even so, I have to write about him.

I am writing to finally let go.

By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

[Image from Google]

Happy 2013!

Hi loves!

I know, I’ve been MIA on the blogging world for a loooong time.

I’ve had a lot on my shoulders for the most part of 2012 and didn’t have enough time to write.

Anyway… as quoted from my Facebook – 

2012 was a rough year, but I’m claiming that 2013 will be bigger, greater and brighter.

Cheers to the new year! :)

Photo grabbed from Google