a painful reminder.

I’ve been under a grey cloud lately. I can’t say when it actually started, but it comes and it goes. It’s like PMS, only more threatening. I’ve long come to a conclusion that I’m suffering a personality disorder of sorts, been dealing with this since 2006, but never got around to seeking psychiatric help. No, I am not joking. I think it’s not that severe yet. I can control it. I can control my emotions but I can’t control the thoughts flying through my mind.

My mind is the culprit here. I’ve been told that I’m a very analytical person. I usually take that as a compliment, but it comes with faults, too. Analytical thinking doesn’t equate to critical thinking, that I’m sure of. I’m not confident of my “strong” analytical skills. I take it as a fault. I think a lot. I stress myself because I think way too much. I go into winding details which normally don’t lead me to the solution.

All I want to say is that…

Rollercoaster rides. While I am not new to them, I am still not immune. My life has been a series of rollercoaster rides. Sometimes they’re bumpy, other times they’re smooth-sailing. It can be as predictable as Pinoy telenovelas, or it may also be as suspense-ridden as Inception (I wanted to put Godfather, but I haven’t seen it, so…)

Is life really mapped out this way? I can’t speak for anyone else’s except mine.

A predictable life can be boring, I know, but I am too OC that I want order in my life. I don’t like surprises and I hate it when my plans are messed up.

What I’m really driving at is this…

When I set my mind on something, I almost always follow through. That’s why it pains me to think about wanting to do a career change this early.

My heart got broken and my life went to a complete stop when I got laid off from the job I loved most last year. I have since moved on, but my heart is still holding on to the only job I enjoyed most. It was almost always stressful, but I was happy. It required me to go on extra hours, but I didn’t mind it. I was fulfilled.

I need inspiration. I need fulfillment. Is that too much to ask?

Do I love my job, you ask?

I can’t say I love it. Maybe I do, but only because it helps me pay my bills and live comfortably.

If only things were easier.

If only job offers came like raindrops during the rainy season.

Yesterday, I was reminded me this:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
- Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

God told me to keep still and just trust in Him.

For how long, Lord?

But today I was reminded of this:

"Don't let go too soon but, but don't hang on too long."
- Tuesdays with Morrie